DATELINE 10/6/2025

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🏌️‍♂️ The Pin High Post – 2025 Year-End Report

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“Benadryl Phil Stings the Field, Leaves HR and Logic in Shambles”

🐝 Benadryl Phil’s Sweet, Swollen Victory

Against all odds—and several bees—Benadryl Phil emerged as the 2025 Tournament of Champions winner at The Oaks, capturing his first-ever trophy and instantly becoming the stuff of Pin High legend.

 

Phil, still recovering from the Easton Country Club incident that left him looking like a dimpled Bridgestone, credited “a balanced mix of Benadryl and destiny.” When asked if he was high during the round, Phil denied it: “That’s just my natural vibe, man.”

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His victory reignited the annual drug-testing debate, a policy the league continues to discuss vigorously and enforce never.

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💊 A League Divided on Performance Enhancements

Some say Phil’s swollen hands were his secret weapon. Others believe it was divine intervention—or perhaps just the absence of clarity in the rulebook.

 

“Those things aren’t hands,” said one rival (probably Ricky Keefe).

“They’re freakin’ pickelball paddles.” Meanwhile, the HR Department is allegedly “looking into it,” though league sources confirmed there is no HR Department—just a group chat muted since 2021.

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💼 Mo Kauffman and the HR Crisis

Mo Kauffman, fearless leader of Mo Money Team and winner of the Frank Daniels Memorial, admitted post-season he “still has no idea what the TOC even is.”

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This confession has sparked renewed calls for an overhaul of the HR and Communications Department, assuming anyone ever figures out who that is. “Every year someone wins something they don’t understand,” sighed Tim Goodwin. “It’s tradition now.”

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👻 The Mystery of Steve Cushman

“Who the f*** is Steve Cushman?” remains the league’s most pressing existential question. A rumored co-founder, Cushman’s name still graces the Classics trophy, yet no one outside of Daniels and Orsiin claims to have seen him since the Clinton administration.

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In 2025, scandal erupted when League President Steve Daniels announced, mid-podium, that The Links at Outlook had retroactively replaced The Ledges as a qualifying event—instantly snatching the Cushman Classics crown from Ricky Keefe and gifting it to James W. Troup. When pressed for clarification, Daniels delivered a now-legendary statement:

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“As President, I have the right to change, make up, or delete ANY rule at ANY time. So f*** off, ya toucholes.”

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League historians immediately added this to the official rulebook under Article 1, Section 1: “Daniels does what he wants.”

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🧠 The Paul Banville Resurgence

Paul Banville quietly became one of 2025’s most consistent forces, claiming two victories and earning league-wide respect for actually playing good golf.

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“He just shows up, swings like a metronome, and ruins your day,” said one competitor. “No drama, no excuses—he’s the anti-Gibby.”

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⛳ Team Speed Play’s Triumph (and Jimmy’s Grudge)

At Shining Rock, JWT went even and Ricky Keefe finished +4 to secure Team Speed Play (Villa, Troup, Reynolds, Keefe) the team title over defending champs Punch Cut Fades, who will be relegated next year.

The win was described as “a true team effort—except for Jimmy Reynolds.”

Reynolds has since turned his fury toward the proposed Winter Meetings, which he described as “a total waste of my f***ing February.”

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❄️ The Great Winter Meetings (of February, Probably)

Rumor has it a Winter Meetings Summit will take place this February, where topics like:

• Appropriate tee boxes for aging players,

• Clarification of lateral hazard rules, and

• Basic human decency on the 19th hole
  will be thoroughly discussed and immediately ignored.

Jimmy Reynolds, already “miffed” by the agenda, said:

“We’ve had these meetings every year. Nothing changes. We just argue about football and end up drunk again.”

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🏆 Awards Nobody Understands

• Order of Merit: Tim “T-Bone” Goodwin (292 pts) — a title nobody comprehends but everybody claps for.

• Pine Tree Pruner Award: Mike “Planet Fitness” Mackan — recognized for his tireless commitment to ball-in-tree research.

• Closest to the Pin King: Anthony Villa — 10 wins at $10 a pop ($100 total). Paid himself promptly.​

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“If you can’t celebrate yourself,” Villa said, “who will?”

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🎙️ The Wrap-Up Podcast Incident

In a heartfelt attempt at relevance, Gibby prank-called the season wrap-up podcast from his car, claiming to be “a concerned listener.” The call lasted 14 seconds before being drowned out Troup's commentary.

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📈 Stats Nobody Checked

• Phil: 1st trophy, 0 drug tests.

• Goody: Somewhere north of 292 points, 1 smug grin.

• Villa: 3 wins, 4x Club Champ, 10 CTPs, 1 Venmo transfer (to himself).

• JWT: 1 Classics title, 0 comprehension.

• Banville: 2 wins, all business.

• Mo: 1 major, no idea what it was.

• Ricky: +4 at TOC, -100 trust in the league.

• Mackan: 1 Pruner Award, 17 trees felled.

• Reynolds: 1 win, 99% bitterness.

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🔮 2026 Outlook

The league heads into 2026 with cautious optimism, loose rules, and an HR department run by rumor. Daniels has promised “even more transparency,” which everyone assumes means “more chaos.”

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"Benadryl Phil may have been the only one stung this season—but everyone else still got hosed by Daniels."

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